Why Great Leaders Don’t Tell People to ‘Calm Down’
Dr. Nicol Nicola, New Jersey Department of Labor, Adjunct Professor and Leadership Facilitator
“Calm down.”
Has anyone in the history of emotional conflict ever felt better after hearing those words?
In my 40-plus years on this planet, I’ve found that telling someone to calm down when they’re seething with frustration rarely de-escalates the situation. In fact, it usually has the opposite effect—adding fuel to the fire. As leaders, we need to resist the reflex to suppress emotion and instead make space for it, with structure and respect.
At a previous job, a team member came to my office visibly upset. Before I could say anything, they blurted out, “I’m very upset, Nicol. I’m sure you’re going to tell me to calm down.”
I paused. Instead of falling into the usual manager-script, I said,
“I don’t want you to calm down. You have every right to be upset. Please feel free to express your feelings so we can address your concerns.”
The two other managers in the room were surprised by my response—but it shifted the entire tone of the conversation. We let the team member speak without interruption. By the end of the meeting, we not only clarified the reasons behind our decision but also found ourselves laughing and discussing our weekend plans. The meeting concluded on a positive note.
A Better Way to Handle Heated Moments
Managers often try to diffuse emotions by shutting them down. But emotions are data—they tell us what matters to our people. If you want a team that trusts you, listens to you, and ultimately buys into your decisions, you must show that you hear them first.
Here’s the simple framework I follow:
- Allow your staff to be angry. Don’t punish emotion—normalize it.
- Give them the floor. Let them vent, within professional bounds.
- Explain clearly. Once they’ve been heard, offer your rationale.
It’s not about caving to every complaint. It’s about leading with emotional intelligence.
As Professor Max H. Bazerman of Harvard Business School writes in What People Still Get Wrong About Negotiations,
“The human tendency to reciprocate behavior—if you yell at someone, that person is likely to yell back.”
If you want to change the energy in the room, start by shifting your own. Calm presence is contagious—but it has to be modeled, not demanded.
The Bottom Line
Anger is not the enemy of productivity—silencing it is. So, the next time someone walks into your office fired up, don’t say, “Calm down.”
Say: “Go ahead. I’m listening.”